For Once
by Cezille07
Summary: Inspired by "Chez Platypus": Doofenshmirtz feels desperately lonely after the Delovinator fails him. But perhaps with Perry's help, he can get back the love of his girl AND his evil esteem. COMPLETE.
1. Every Synonym for Sulk

**For Once**

_Cezille07_

A/N: After watching "Chez Platypus", I was so sorry to see our beloved Doof left on the scene by yet another girl he really cared about, maybe even "loved". And I just have to do something about that, don't I? At least once, _just once_, it would be nice to see Heinz get his happy ending, right? ;D

Her name was never mentioned in the episode, so in this fic I took the liberty of calling her Michelle.

Disclaimer: Rights go to Marsh and Povenmire.

* * *

Chapter 1. Every Synonym for Sulk.

He toddled very slowly back home that night. There was simply no more point in all this; his entire existence crumbled to dust once Michelle's face turned from sweet to blank, and she said, "I feel nothing."

Fine. Given. He had bawled over things like this, sometimes on a regular basis: things like becoming a lawn gnome, living with Roger and Only Son, losing to a baking soda volcano in a non-science contest, flunking out of evil school. Maybe knowing that one day Perry the platypus would finally defeat him, or replace him with a stronger, smarter nemesis. All of which had lost him his natural charm, or what he supposed was 'charm' if he were a normal person.

But today, none of that made sense. Because for the first time, the girl had actually loved him back, whatever that meant. Michelle, her sparkling green eyes, that the chilling smile...that beauty in the simplest of purple dresses. With an identical Evil tattoo on her right arm...like his.

"Oh who am I kidding?" yelled Doofenshmirtz as he turned out the lights in his bedroom. The darkness unnerved him a little. He threw himself on the bed without changing his clothes. "Who am I kidding? _Her_, of course. It's not my loss. I just miscalculated the trajectory of the Delovinator satellite if it ever crashed to earth. That's probably it. But never mind. I don't really care."

He shut his eyes and pulled the covers over his head.

"I'm not very convincing, even when it's me I'm talking to, but Heinz, tomorrow, it's back to the game with Perry the platypus. That's right! I am evil, with or without the person who can complete my being..." He yawned.

_I wonder what she's doing now..._

* * *

Michelle had just gotten home. She was a bit tipsy, the cab driver himself said so when he dropped her off at her apartment; she'd had a dozen shots of every mix the local bar prepared. Boy was that bartender hot when he tossed up those bottles twirling in the air, as if the moves were second nature to him. All the ladies had free margaritas after Michelle flashed a small gun in the boy's smooth, pale cheek, whispered a fake threat into his ear, and had a taste of his trembling lips.

"Thanks for the ride," she said after the driver helped her into a chair. Not even remembering she hadn't paid the fare yet, he winked at her and left right away, but not without a second and third glance back at her glowing form. She was a radiant goddess, that's what she was. Michelle returned a dainty wave and, as soon as the driver giddily closed the door behind him, slumped on the dining table.

"God, what a day!"

She couldn't actually remember what had happened the rest of the day, only the part where a maniac had taken her to some fancy restaurant. It was a weird encounter. She had the feeling he could end the world with a press of a button, or steal her heart with a single word.

But she didn't fall. She didn't like him in the least. She had no idea what had made her agree to waste the night with him. She had evil schemes to carry out, lands to conquer, gold to steal. There was just no rational explanation for the very events that transpired that night.

"I must be losing my mind," Michelle told herself. She raised her head and looked at her right arm. The Evil tattoo. It seemed to call out to her in a weak, pleading manner. Shaking her head, "Well it's about time I lost my mind anyway. You have to be mad as well as evil if you want to be great!" she cackled.

* * *

Heinz didn't feel like himself the next morning. Getting into the shower was a harder task than usual. He didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to get blown up in the kitchen making pancakes. So he found himself at noon sitting naked on the carpet when a particular blue-green mammal broke through his window.

If anything, Perry was surprised.

"Oh hello, Perry the platypus. Lovely day we're having, isn't it?" Doofenshmirtz addressed the floor. "I know you don't want to hear another of my self-centered rants, but...it's all I can do."

Perry scratched his head. He swept the area with his eyes, but there was a startling lack of traps. No cages, no mysterious robotic arms ready to grab at his middle, no random ray gun of destruction lying haphazardly in the room. _Weird. _He took one step closer to Doofenshmirtz, and froze right in his tracks.

_Had...had the doctor actually been _crying_?_

Doofenshmirtz looked up and found that his nemesis was no longer staring curiously at him. He bowed his head and heaved another sigh. _Great, alone again—_

Suddenly, two small hands touched both his shoulders, and he realized Perry had draped him with his labcoat. "Perry the platypus, what are you...?"

Then Perry found him his pants and handed it to him.

"Okay, okay, I'll dress up, I'll be right back," said Doofenshmirtz, retreating to his room hesitantly. A bitter smile waited to form on his lips...and failed.


	2. Mine

**For Once**

_Cezille07_

A/N: And now for the all-important backstory—one we already know from "Chez Platypus.";D

* * *

Chapter 2. Mine.

Perry sat across the sulking man on the other end of the dining table, both of them sipping hot chocolate. Doofenshmirtz looked at his nemesis and lowered his mug to begin the story.

"Remember yesterday, when I made this device that eliminates people's feelings of love? I was wrong to let you destroy the remote. Could you believe it? That woman left me after I surrendered my emotional stability! There were a million things I should have done: fire that Delovinator when I got the chance, for one. I should have been more selfish—_what_?" he stopped, retracting from Perry's glower. Frowning, he took a large gulp of the chocolate, and spat the boiling liquid at first contact with his tongue. "That was my mistake. Yes, the chocolate and the girl. I was too excited, see, because I thought she was going to be the one. You know..._the one_?"

Perry remained blank, hardly able to believe he was worried about the doctor for _this_.

"Of course, I forget you're a platypus. You wouldn't know love as we humans do," muttered Heinz. "But if only you did, you would agree that I've been betrayed beyond possible betrayal. A piece of me is now missing, and I intend to have it back!"

_Okay, this visit might be worth something... _thought the platypus. He sipped a little of the hot chocolate and waited for the scientist to continue.

"The only limit to the Delovinator is its orbit capacity, and the number of feelings it can constrain. Now if I, for example, decide to create a version of it that can influence the entire Tri-state area's full emotional spectrum, I would be the sole, rational thinker of all! I would be as priceless as the Mayor! Or the President! And better yet...I can have that Michelle whimpering at my feet 24/7, just because I feel like it!"

Doofenshmirtz had regained that goofy, spirited grin. He stood to refill his own mug with hot chocolate and turned to Perry. "In any case, I haven't begun working on it yet, and I'm going to need your help tracking her down," he explained, gulping and spitting out another mouthful of the drink. "Oh, I'm sorry, did you want a refill too?"

* * *

She looked left and right. Then up above, then at her feet. The street was empty, save for the lone pawnshop at the corner. The only worker in that shop by this time was a pimply high school lad, whose boss had better things to handle than profits and his wages. Slowly, Michelle crept toward the door. She pushed it open, and it creaked at the slightest touch. There was the boy asleep by the counter. _Perfect!_ Now it was just a matter of taking a foreign-looking coin and chucking it at his blemished forehead, yelling, "EVIL!"

"Hey, lady, what gives?" he called, but Michelle was already halfway across the deserted street laughing her lungs out.

_...Okay, but now what?_

"Something's wrong, I used to be more evil," she said to herself, pocketing her hands. She found the shortcut to her apartment and proceeded there by kicking dust into passers-by's feet. Several raised eyebrows at her, and several more raised fists. But she only had to hint on the presence of a gun under her shirt, and that ended all dispute. "If only guns came in large varieties that do whatever you want..."

_

* * *

_

_She's heading this way..._

Perry gulped from behind a brick wall. He replaced his agent hat after retrieving from within it the photo Doofenshmirtz handed him before he left. _I can NOT believe I'm doing this._ He had seen Michelle before, last night to be precise, but all the same, he double-checked the tall, curvaceous woman—did that description come from _him?_—against the picture. _Surely there's a bigger reason he's head over heels about her..._

"_Focus, Perry the platypus_," a voice demanded from his computer watch. It should have been Monogram commanding him, not his nemesis. But now that he thought about it, the hot chocolate was probably more than an innocent, warm-up beverage. And to think Doofenshmirtz looked a little too distressed that morning to even make himself presentable to Perry.

He paused before brandishing the large sack and masking tape.

_It just _may_ be love. If it's for love, then..._


	3. Reset

**For Once**

_Cezille07_

A/N: Can true, evil love save the day?

* * *

Chapter 3. Reset.

"Mmmmf, mmmf mmmmmmf!"

The gag on her mouth was impossibly tight. Strapped to a stool, Michelle tried to free her rope-bound arms, or at least her feet so she could deliver him a well-deserved kick in the arse. She groaned, a deathly look in her eyes, but all Heinz did to respond was reach for a chair and drag it in front of her.

"I'm so sorry that I have to kidnap you and all," said the doctor, in a menacingly earnest manner, "but you have something that belongs to me...my heart."

"Mmmf? Mmmmmf mmmmmf!"

"What's that? Did you want to know why I'm doing this?" he asked, a playful grin on his ugly face. Michelle's eyes were reduced to furious slits. "I was expecting that... Perry the platypus!"

The called animal emerged from a nearby door carrying a large stereo.

"I express myself best through song," winked Doofenshmirtz, "although...music has _never_ liked _me_. Just...bear with me, okay? Cue music!"

The platypus pressed the play button, and a gloomy melody saturated the room.

"_Delovinator ever after.  
Goodbye love, hello disaster!  
More of me and less of shallow,  
Narrow fallacies._

"_There's everything to hate-inator;  
You hate me, so curse-inator!  
But there's no such thing as fallen, solemn  
Fantasies from me..._

"_The only piece of love I cradled  
Broke the truth of holding hands...  
Into the sorry sleep I bumble,  
Lonely...in a duet's dance!"_

Heinz forced out the last few syllables two octaves higher than the accompaniment, and he coughed after the last held note. He blushed at Perry's applause, but when he looked at his intended audience, Michelle was drooling asleep.

"What? I just wasted all that diaphragmatic effort and you fall asleep on me? That is _evil_!" he yelled, shaking her awake. Michelle laughed aloud at the word 'evil'. "Oh, so you were tricking me? True evil indeed! Argh!"

She just laughed through the restrictive cloth on her mouth. He was a pathetic fool, and the thought gratified her.

* * *

As much as Perry wanted to leave, that darn hot chocolate was still in effect. He carried the stereo back to the store room and placed himself inside the makeshift platypus cage Doofenshmirtz made with cardboard and wires. He swore that he was never taking drinks from the evil scientist, swore that he might as well jump off the DEI rooftop with none of his gadgets to survive rather than gladly succumb to the evil intents of his nemesis.

He sighed. Maybe it was the fact that he'd never been more sorry for the doctor. That girl was toying with none more genuine than Heinz's deep feelings—if that were possible. He could hear him yelling at her, or rather, begging. He imagined, successfully if he only knew, how Michelle taunted him with a complacent, I-think-you're-absolutely-ridiculous type of grin.

* * *

"Stop laughing!" yelled Doofenshmirtz. "I'll show _you_ evil!" He balled his fists and tried not to slake that bubbling anger in his chest as he found the latest contraption he just built. "Behold..." he said, turning majestically to face her chair, "I have created the Mood Swing-inator!"

Michelle broke out laughing again.

"Darn! I _told_ you to stop laughing!" Heinz scrolled down the Mood Swing-inator's palm-sized touch screen. "I command you to be quiet!" He aimed at her and pressed the red button at the gadget's base. At once, her mocking laugher fell to a painful halt. "My love, meet the Mood Swing-inator! It makes you feel whatever I want you to feel; for instance, you're under Pensive, and now you must think about what you have done to me. Brilliant, isn't it? After I have regained your love, we shall build a more powerful version that will control the Tri-State area!"

The doctor began pacing in front of her, toying with the list of emotions absently; Michelle's eyes followed his every step. "And then we shall still be together by the end of the day because I'm _so_ done with orbiting satellites. Handheld devices are all the rage. Only, for a machine so tiny, the tradeoffs are taxing; the processors are so slow and battery gets drained so quickly. Oh, oh, it's like my heart..."

He scrolled to Love and offered her an excited grin. "So are you ready to love me?"

When she didn't respond, he gave the button another press, and Michelle went blank for a moment. Doofenshmirtz knelt in front of her; he carefully took out the gag and untied her hands and feet.

"Michelle?" He looked up at her passive face. "...Darling?"

Suddenly, she took his hands, pressed them to her chest, and got on her knees too. "Heinz, what are we doing here? We must be doing evil things to the world together, as we will for the rest of our lives! What are we waiting for?"

Heinz gazed into those emerald eyes of hers. "Is that really you?" he asked. Expectantly. And fearfully. "Do you...love me?"

"What kind of question is that? Of course I do! You fired that thing at me, didn't you?"

* * *

Perry gripped the base of the platypus cage and released himself. Doofenshmirtz had stepped into the store room and banged the door behind him. He fumbled with the locks. "Don't look at me like that, Perry the platypus," the doctor whimpered, "I know it failed."

Perry approached his nemesis, and this time, he had anticipated whatever expression the doctor would have worn. And this time, it was utter defeat.

"She said she loved me because of the Mood Swing-inator. It occurred to me that I just made her do it, that I just imposed something she probably didn't want at all," he sighed, sitting against the door. He looked at the Mood Swing-inator. "I fired her with Reset and told her to leave."

_That's brave, Heinz..._ Perry gripped Doofenshmirtz's shoulders. He chattered, and he hated that it was all he can do. If Heinz wanted to fire him with Supportive, he wouldn't have minded.

"Here, take this," said the doctor. He handed the Mood Swing-inator to Perry. "I've set it to Vegetable. I want you to fire it at me and then destroy it."

_What's Vegetable?_ Perry cautiously took the device and saw the short description on the screen: 'Fries up emotion pathways like buttered vegetables.'

_What? NO! _

Heinz saw his hesitation and yelled, "Do it, Perry the platypus! Please? For me...?"

Perry shook his head, frowning.

"This is no time to be stubborn, just make me as numb and as _dumb_ as a vegetable—" Doofenshmirtz was cut off by loud banging from the other side of the door. "I told you to _leave_, Michelle—!"

The door broke down, almost crushing Heinz in the process. It was Michelle who kicked it open; she found him under the rubble and embraced him. "Heinz, I'm so sorry!" She snatched the Mood Swing-inator from his hands and chucked it against the wall, shattering it. "I don't want you to become a vegetable! I don't want you to lose your humor...and sweetness...and your evil charm—"

"Nah, that's the Mood Swing-inator's fault," moaned Doofenshmirtz. He shook free of her grasp and sat up properly. "Get out and do your own evil stuff. I'm done with you. You don't 'love' me..."

"Oh Heinz...I do," Michelle said, looking into those pleading eyes of his. "Your Reset actually took back the effect of your previous Inator, the one that erased my love and superimposed apathy. I really _do_ love you, Heinz. You're the half that completes my happiness. Don't turn yourself to a vegetable for a fake emotion," she added, brushing her hand through his messy brown hair.

The doctor finally returned a cheesy grin. "Michelle, you make me so happy," he whispered, and embraced her.

_Now at last I learned to smile  
Hand in hand to last a while  
Now I'm as happy as can be  
It's the age-old story:  
How an evil boy meets an evil girl  
We've got a love strong enough to rule the whole wide world!  
We both maniacally laugh at all the same stuff,  
You can't take back the girl I'll shower with my evil love  
Forever in evil love :)_

* * *

Perry smiled at the couple and prepared to leave.

"Shall we pick up where we left off?" Doofenshmirtz asked Michelle, who was locked in his arms. She returned a kiss and nodded her head. "Excellent. Our list of evil activities is far from over. And here's item number one right now in our custody, Perry the platypus!"

Perry froze in his tracks. Suddenly, supporting the doctor earlier didn't seem like a good idea anymore.

**(-:END:-)**

* * *

A/N: Yay, you finished reading it! Thanks! Now don't say you didn't like it, I know you loved it...there's that Review button waiting. I found the Mood Swing-inator and fixed it, so I can easily fire the Write-A-Review mood at you. ;)


End file.
